Thursday [The Decision]

I'm going to be this:


Sit back relax i've got a story to share
About a girl who didn't have a care
Well care she did for her friends for the world
The music of her life the thoughts of a girl

She was looking for herself but she found someone else
It's time to be me said she

Then she shed her skin and out there came
Original life through every vein
She changed im contaged
She was showing me the way

She was life felt her through me
Like warm showers from the sun
Let it rain
She was life and she knew me
Saw myself so clear skye blue

Oh candy smoke it smelt like home
Hush little babe you're not alone
Her smilin' spirit said to me

Oh hello sky i'm here for school
You're as much of a genius as you are a fool
Quote from lesson one

Take your time you're doing fine
Baby you'll see

Sweet vibrays from the stereo
All my worries just let em go
Feel alive starts to flow through every vein
Please strange
See my life rearranged

She was life felt her through me
Like warm showers from the sun
Let it rain
She was life and she knew me
Saw myself so clear sky blue

Oh here comes the sky
She's like the sky, like the sky, like the sky
like the beautiful sky blue
here comes the sky




from now.

Wednesday [The Gift]

The gifts bestowed upon me this year are worth more than gold.

Grace, and peace and strength and courage and hope and love and joy.

Blessings immeasurable
Friendships unbreakable
Love incomprehensible

I am beginning to realise the merits of being weak
of stumbling
of falling
of wandering and being lost

and letting go.

Of holding on to the one thing that matters
of living and breathing each moment
of giving
of loving
of blessing
of being joyful regardless of the circumstances.

I am beginning to realise that sometimes it takes an entire world to be broken down before a new one can be built

this year, i am a revolution.



And what did you get for Christmas?

there is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me lord through the flame..

Tuesday [The Secret]

and so its christmas again

this year has been:

hectic
dramatic
unexpected
joyful
miserable
desperate
emotional
exhausting
lovely
musical
creative
uninspired
worn down
worn out

but its over.
oh my.
its over.

there is hope and joy and potential and peace and love in the future

but that doesn't matter either..

it is today
and i am blessed to have today
blessed to have tomorrow
blessed for yesterday to

but mostly today.

what better day to start again?



i'm coming home.
running.
leaping.
skipping.
hopping.
jumping.
crawling.
fleeing.
limping.
flying.

home.

hey dad?
i'm coming home.

she's lying on her bed, dreaming bout the taste of last nights conversation..

Monday [The Last Kiss]

this:

might just be my greatest fear.



there's a corner of your heart for me...

Sunday [The Beauty in the Breakdown]

The silver beams are twirling and swirling throughout your dreams like air traffic streams...

Saturday [The Reunion]

lavendar bubbles
sigur ros
scented candles and christmas shopping
cookie making
chocolate truffles
perfect pretty tea cups
little children giggles
and joy

oh sweet unabated pure joy.

for swear it sight, for i never saw true beauty till this night.

i was talking to an old friend, he was trying to help me decide, if a flower is still a flower after all the petals have died...

Friday [The Conclusion]

sit by the water
watch the lights twinkle and dance
and pretend
for a moment
that you're one of those couples
wrapped in love
whisper giggle secrets
perfect gifts and smiles for strangers
and then when the new year comes
with a 3,2,1
happy kisses
happy wishes



we'll forget again.






cause blinded, i am blindsighted..

Thursday [The Acceptance]

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.


And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all


Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…


He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,



Oh how He loves.

Wednesday [The Midnight Dance]

There are years
and there are days
and there are months
and there are minutes
and there are hours
and there are seconds

and there are lives.

What do we do with them?




What will you do with yours?




When you get to the end, what will you leave behind?

What is yours and what is the worlds?
What can you take and what can you give?
What do you obtain and what do you receive?

Where do dreams go when they are not dreamt?
What happens to wishes never granted?
To prayers never answered?
To hearts never mended,
never told

it's alright love
it's okay.

what day is it, and in what month, this clock never seemed so alive...

Tuesday [The Fear That You Won't Fall]

Dearest,
things have changed
seasons pass
leaves and tears and rain fall.
Seeds sprout and bloom and wither and die.
Peaople laugh and smile and cry
and they hurt you.

Yes.
They hurt you.

But dearest, please know...
there is nothing sadder than sadness itself.
Nothing madder than anger.
Nothing to worry for but worry itself.
No need to panic and nothing to fear.

And nothing at all
more precious, more beautiful, more lovely
than a heart
that loves.


Just love.





Everything else will come.

but i don't have to make this mistake, and i don't have to stay this way...

Monday [The Freedom]

I want this:

to be about me.



one day.

Sunday [The Remainder]

This is just the beginning.

Saturday [The Beauty in the Breakdown]

I am entirely overwhelmed

consumed in a million thoughts and emotions at once

buried under a tonne of bricks




and entirely excited about digging through.

Here's the thing..
I am not the same.

And yet, I haven't changed.

I know there is still so much ahead of me
and the me in the future has so much to learn from the me in the past.

It's so easy to fall back into old habits.
So much easier than pressing on and moving on and moving up and moving closer and moving towards what you should be,

but I don't want be remembered by those old habits.

And while it makes me sad that I haven't grown out of them,
I'm excited for the opportunity to prove that I can do this.

Because I know I am worth it, and I know He is worth it even more.

I'm going back to the start.
Back to the heart.
Back to what moves me.
What inspires me.
What shapes me.
Who created me.

I'd say I'm running back to Jesus,
but it's more of a crawl.

I am broken. I am battered. I am battle scarred and I am bruised.
I am bewildered. I am bemused and I am beginning all over again.

now I know I'm gonna win the war...

Friday [The Song, The Sound]

enough said.

Thursday [The Potential]

I don't understand why there are moments that I feel sad about things

and moments I don't.

Mostly I don't understand because there are things I wish I was passionate about all the time, but there are moments that I just can't find that passion.

Anywhere.

I wish I were able to bring back the passion and hunger that drove me the past few years.
I feel as though in my contentment and joy I have become complacent on the things that always mattered most

and that makes me sad.

I want to be who I used to be, combined with who I am now.


But I digress,
I love children.

Not in an entirely unsavoury manner.
I love their joy and their enthusiasm and their boundless love.
I want to be more like a child in embracing his kingdom.
I want to believe without a doubt and speak without a fear.


I want to be like a little girl basking in his love.


I want to twirl in pretty dresses and sing loudly and proclaim boldly and give fully and bless joyfully and increase exponentially.


Every word you say, I think I should write down, don't want to forget come daylight...

Wednesday [The Leap]

This:

please?

I'm learning to breathe, I'm learning to crawl, I'm finding that You, and You alone, can break my fall.

Tuesday [The Walk]

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

Monday [The Collision]

Words don't begin to describe the overflow of passion and peace and joy in my life right now.
I've just made the biggest decision ever.
The one that I will tell grandchildren about one day in the future.
The kind of earth shattering, life changing decision that happens only

once.


I am happy that it's over.
Content that it was right.
And utterly in love with the amazing God I serve.
And the incredible people He blesses me with.

Words don't begin to describe.

even the best fall down some times

Sunday [The Resurrected]

res·ur·rect (rěz'ə-rěkt')
v. res·ur·rect·ed, res·ur·rect·ing, res·ur·rects
v. tr.

1. To bring back to life; raise from the dead.

I've been fighting with a lot this week.
There are all sorts of decisions hanging in the air, and while ultimately the decision is mine

I know it's already been made for me.
I just hope what I want is also what He wants.

But thats not the point...

The point is that He rose from the dead. And that is something I can't get my head around.
And it is as a result of that that I am saved.
And He loves me enough to give His life up for me.



And I will do the same.

this love will see me soar, its more than enough and I need it

Saturday [The Beginning]

I am currently here:


I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

Friday [The Carpenter and the King]

There is this thing I can't explain, it's elusive;
a longing at best
a complete mystery at worst.

There is this thing I can't explain, it's compelling;
hopeful at best
utterly desperate at worst.

There is this thing I can't explain, it's eternal;
blissful at best
obnoxiously relentless at worst.

There is this thing I can't explain,
not because words fail me
or because I couldn't do it justice even if I tried.
Though those are valid on their own.

But the reason I can't explain it is because I just don't know.

I don't know why a king would choose to demote himself to a carpenter.
I don't know why he would choose to love those who persecuted him.
I don't know why he would lay his life at the feet of those who hated him the most, so that he may save those he loved the most.

I can only guess what kind of love that might be.
Can only guess what that looks like on paper.
Can only guess what that means for me.
For my life.

Please understand, the reason I can't explain this is because;

I would never try.

Not in words.
Not in analogies.
Not in stories.
Not in facts or fictions or biographies or interpretive dances.
And thus probably not in anyway you might understand.

You want explanations?
You want words and stories and interpretive dances?
I can do those,
[yes, even the dances]
but they won't give you the answers you seek.

If you want to know,
then ask him yourself.

Seek him yourself.
Find him yourself.

Then you won't be able to blame me for not doing him justice.

and then showing us how blind and unaware of you we are

Thursday [The Healing]

Yesterdays sadness has no words.
Todays could be just as bad.
Maybe.

My heart breaks.

I want home.
I want this to be over.
I want to be happy again.


I can't remember what that feels like.

I can't remember what anything feels like.
Just this overwhelming constant sadness.


Please go away.

I'm looking towards the outcome, there must be some hidden reason.

Wednesday [The Encounter]

Dear girl,
please don't ever forget your importance.
Please don't forget that you are a warrior, and a princess.
Don't forget that you were created to be part of a great adventure. A love story and a drama.
A comedy and a tale of war.
Please don't forget that you have the power to change the world.
Don't forget that you are loved beyond measure and that you are beautiful beyond belief.
Don't ever forget that no matter what happens you have more strength inside you than you could ever imagine.
And even if you don't remember any of that, please don't ever forget who you are.
Stay true to that.
For always.

We are dreamers. We are daring. We love to laugh and sometimes scream. We have questions.
We want to believe. We are the future.
We are girls.

Tuesday [The Resolution]

The tide is turning, this is redemptions hour,
In the midst of a world lost forever
You are all we have now.

The lost returning, salvation is all around,
In the midst of a world broken down,
You are all we have now.

This is love to break a world indifferent.

Monday [The Promise]

Oh to be asleep and dreaming now.
To have my head on the pillow and not need to think about what is yet to come
or how to fill the time between now and then.

Oh the joy of long journeys and multiple time zones
and secrets that were never meant to be revealed.

Oh, how I love cooling storms after summer days.
The smell of wet pavement.
The black of dangerous skies.

There's so much potential.

Don't ever forget that you are worth more than all the stars in the sky.
He whispers.
It is barely audible.
But my heart hears and knows and rejoices.

And remembers.
Because in reality, it has always known. All along.

Sometimes reality is an anticlimax.
But I am living an adventure nevertheless.

Grow old along with me, two branches of one tree..

Sunday

In seven hours time I will be boarding a plane.
It will take me away into the night
over countries and oceans and islands and little people going about their little daily lives.
I will sit next to someone I've never met before.
Maybe have a conversation about who they are.

But likely not, because just like in cars
I don't talk much in planes.

And then, in 22 hours, or approximately thereof,
I will land back in the place that I have missed for the past month.

I will pick up my luggage [already 5 kilos overweight]
and walk down the little hallway that always make me feel very important.
And search for two faces in the crowd.


And I will be home.
And I will begin to plan for the next time I leave.
This time, for good.

Airport people, always say goodbye.

Saturday

I saw the moon for the first time in a month today.
It was a tiny sliver of shining light against the utter blackness of the winter sky.

It makes me excited to go home.

There's hope in my heart once more
and it's lovely.

In between the moon and you...

Friday

[or the difficult task of retelling a story]

I am...
in love with a foreign city.
In love with the clip clop of horse hooves on cobblestone streets.
In love with the feel of icy air against my cheeks, the sun warm against my back.
In love with the fairy lights strung between rooftops, like stars against the black sky.
I am in love with the language of strangers that is so familiar to me.
In love with the landscape that changes from grey to white to black and back again like an old movie.
In love with the stories behind each window, the stories to be heard in the wood of the doors.
In love with the scars worn proudly on the buildings from era's far worse than ours.

I am in love with the fact that despite it's strangeness, this place will always feel in parts..

Like home.


But despite all that I am in love with, I miss all of these:
I miss the balmy heat of a summer night.
I miss the way the cool of the water seems to reflect back upon itself, so that sitting in the harbour is always refreshing.
I miss being unable to touch the steering wheel for the first twenty minutes of a trip in case of finger/palm burn.
I miss the bustle of cars and pedestrians out in the hundreds on a saturday night.
Miss walking through streets I've been on so many time before and always discovering something new.
I miss the mix of cultures, the beauty of the entire world interacting together in one place.
I miss the city in the morning, miss it during the day, most of all miss it at night.
I miss coming home to the wag of his tail, the way he rests his head on my knee when I eat breakfast.
Miss waking up in the middle of the night to his dreams.
I miss my bed and all the memories held amongst the sheets.
I miss driving late at night, the cool air streaming in through open windows and the music loud.

I miss all of these things because of the memories they hold of the one I miss the most.
And despite the fact that I am, indeed, many thousands of miles closer,

I feel a million miles further away.

And so, tonight I begin to pack, and as I do, I will think of these places.
The one I love, and the one I miss, and the one I will be moving to soon,

and wish they were all one.

Lover come back to me.

Thursday

It's two am.
I am exhausted.

The battle has drawn everything out of me.
I can't do this on my own anymore.



I need you to step in and fight for me.



Please?

We, and the world, my children, will always be at war.
Retreat is impossible.
Arm yourselves.

-Leif Enger

Wednesday

I spent the weekend in the most intriguing city,
I would rather have made it a week, or a month.

It felt incomplete.

The world is made up of tiny pockets in tiny places where tiny people go about their tiny things
and not one realises how much bigger we could be.

You know the feeling.
The one that makes you look in every mirror,
in every reflective object you pass,
searching for that elusive thing you feel is missing, but can never pin point.

It's what we've been missing all our lives but have never known.

The glory we were created for.

The beauty that is abundant in all of us, but is hidden away because it's too real, too truthful, too risky.
It takes courage to be assured in oneself when the cool thing is low self-esteem.

It also takes courage to love when the easiest option is hate.
It takes courage to stand up against a world of injustice and greed.
It takes courage to stand for what you believe in.
It takes courage not to make compromises on what you stand for.

I hope I can find that courage within me.

I can't live, I cannot breathe, unless you do this with me.

Tuesday

There's this place I want to be in five months,
it's simply magical.
It's full of smiles and sunrises and sunsets and glow sticks and dancing in the moonlight.
It's wonderful when it's windy and even better when it's not.
The grass is always green and when it rains there's puddles to go splashing in.
Or mudsliding, if one is so inclined.
It warms my heart and brings my thoughts to a halt every time.


It's the one place I've ever felt truly at home,
even if it's full of strangers and completely foreign to me.



But it's going to take a miracle to get me there.



And I know the One who fights for me is more than capable of creating that miracle,
but truth be told, more often than not, the one who is fighting against me wins the battle for my trust.


I'm bored of believing his lies.

I'm bored of believing that my situation is hopeless, that I'll never be anyone who is worth anything.
I'm bored of believing that we will not make it, of always expecting the worst instead of the best.
I'm bored of believing that I am unloved and unwanted and everything else he has settled in my heart.


you step into my starless night and shine like the sun

Monday

I want to write again.
I want to sit by the window till 3am, watching the snow fall in a country that is completely foreign but home all at once, and I want words to come like never before.
I want to see worlds formed with the ink of my pen.
I want to see dreams layed out before me similar in number to the stars in the sky.
I want to remember that my purpose is far greater than that which I have dreamed of.

I want to understand my heart again.

A curiosity to revisit that country beyond maps whose contours I had once traced in my sleep

I don't remember where I read that. I read too many books and never pay attention to who they're by or what they're called.

But it stirs a longing inside me nevertheless.
Beautiful sentences always have.

It's the New Year, and I figure since it's time for new beginnings then I may just go back to my first love.
Writing makes everything else in my life so much more fluid.

oh, how he loves us so.