Wednesday [The Sea]

and i have learned
that even land locked lovers yearn
for the sea like navy men...

[dear scanner : why must you be so horrible?]

Tuesday [The Insipred]

oh eveline.
you make me want to grow my hair long and collect pretty tea cups and dance in long skirts.

Monday [The Delight]

so so beautiful.

Monday [The Creations]

i've been busy.
[frames purchased from the salvation army store and made prettier]

Saturday [The Important Things]

sometimes, she dances.
sometimes she gets delightfully genuine compliments from people who started a band when she was only four years old.
sometimes things like that make her smile for the rest of the week.


sometimes she lives in a world of daydreams.

mostly she loves that.

it's december again.
christmas.
new years.
endings.
beginnings.
what another crazy year.
what joy and hope and laughter and love and memories.
i feel refreshed.
this has been a year of incomparable growth.

there are so many things i don't believe in anymore.
and so many ways i'm better off because of that.
mostly though,
and most importantly,
i am more myself than ever.

more confident in that than ever.

life is perfectly imperfect.
complicated and simple and full of everything i ever wanted.

now, to cross my fingers and wait for a letter...

20th of january, please come soon.

cause i'm a gypsy and i know it doesnt do me any good,
moving on from place to place stealing hearts just cause i could...

Friday [The Song of the Sparrow]

she is a girl,
complicated and confusing
a contradiction at best, a complete mystery at worst.

she is working on a million things at once.

she finds it hard to be herself.

tonight she watched the sunset from the freedom of a swing set.
barefoot and hair blowing in the back and forth breeze.
happiness sinks in slowly,
but its all consuming.

a smile creeps across her face.

contentment.

sometimes she wonders if anyone will ever love her.
but don't we all?

she is sorry for a lot of things.
would take it all back in a heartbeat.
would tell you to stay away from her,
she's trouble.

her mind doesnt seem to work like everyone elses,
mostly thats okay.
sometimes she would like to be someone else.
but wouldn't we all?

she is not the same person anymore.
the girl you tore to pieces is gone.

she loves.
a lot.
and that is the most important thing.




she would like to hold your hand.

moonlight will fall
winter will end
harvest will come
your heart will mend

goodmorning
goodmorning
you will find love.

Thursday [The Story]

what if i fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
what if i went, and lost myself, would you know where to find me?
if i forgot who i am, would you please remind me

cause without you things go hazy.

Wednesday [The Downpour]

when it rains
i
think of you
of me
of us

of what we will not be

and smile.

it is over
i am whole again.



rid my mind of all the freckles on your face...

Tuesday [The Poem]

who stands beside me still,
nameless, indifferent
to any lost or ill
motion of mind or will,
whose pulse is mine, who goes
sleepless and is not spent?

mozart said he could hear
a symphony complete,
its changing harmonies clear
plain in his inward ear
in time without extent.
and this one, whom i greet

yet cannot name, or see
save as lights sidelong shift,
who will not answer me,
knows what i was, will be,
and all i am: beyond
times desolating drift.

in half-light i rehearse
mozarts cascading thirds.
lights lingering tones disperse.
music and thought reverse
their flow. beside dark roots
dry crickets call like birds

that morning when i came
from childhoods steady air
to love, like a blown flame,
and learned: time will reclaim
all music manifest.
wait, then, beside my chair

as time and music flow
nightward again. i trace
their questioning voices, know
little, but learn, and go
on paths of love and pain
to meet you, face to face.

[Alter Ego - Gwen Harwood]



so please please please let me, let me get what i want, lord knows it will be the first time..

Monday [The Revolution]

oh.
hello.

this is for you.
an out of context apology.
a story.
or a word.
a whisper.

it's okay.
i don't think about you anymore.

i lost a good friend recently. it was mostly my fault. partially his as well, but i'm not going to shift blame. he loved me. possibly more than anyone else ever has. the kind of all consuming on the floor in a tearful mess love that invades everything. [perhaps i'm being presumptuous to say that. i guess it just felt that way for the most part.] he would have given everything up for me. and i broke his heart. [again with the presumptions]
maybe i was being selfish and maybe it was because i didnt feel as though i deserved that kind of love. regardless, i miss him, and sometimes wonder what he's up to. how he's doing. if he thinks of me. if he'll ever be able to think of me without the smear of what i did.

i wonder what would happen if i was to see him again. if i tracked him down. showed up in his doorstep one sleepy sunday morning.
would he take me in his arms or slam the door?

it doesn't matter. for the most part i feel relieved. it is something of a difficulty to have someone love you that much. expectation is high and disappointment is bound to ensue. i don't think i could have ever lived up to that kind of love. and i don't think i could have ever been worthy of it.

thaths why lately i've been having issues connecting with the love of jesus. how could he die for me? why would he? who am i to deserve that kind of love? its not feasible. its not logical. its not possible. and yet, in my heart of hearts, i still want to believe it is. who wouldn't? and that at its very core and essence, that is what keeps me wanting to live a better life. to be a better person. its not rules and regulations and ideals. it is, very simple,
love.
i am not a religious person. i have never believed in following rules and commandments to make me better. i am flawed. i am imperfect. and when it comes to life, i fuck it up again and again. and again.
the good news is, there is love.
regardless of how much i mess up, i'm told that god loves me.
in an on the floor in a tearful mess kind of way.
in a proclaim it from the rooftops kind of way.
in a send his son to die for me kind of way.

it just seems so unlikely, you know?
i find myself drifting away from him at times just to see what its like. just to remind myself how much i can't do my life on my own. a few months ago, in an angry, frustrated outburst, i told god to go away. to leave me alone. being god, he listened. and now im discovering that in truth, i need that love more than anything. without that love, that all consuming, all prevailing, all encompassing love, my life just does not make sense. but there i go, wandering time and time again into the darkness, into the empty abyss of a loveless life.
what exactly is so tempting about it? is it the mystery? the danger? the intruige of the things that live on the other side of happiness, whispering still shiny secrets? the kind of secrets that are just too hard to resist?
instant gratification. no sacrifices.
not that i want those things. honestly, no. Mostly, I love what my life is, but the things that are just out of reach, the things that my life is not, the creativity and melancholy that comes with darkness... it would be such an easy temptation to succumb to.

the problem with this kind of battle is that there are no definite conclusions. its a daily war thats been waging for centuries. it started long before i was born and will continue long after my memory is erased from the earth.
the victory comes in the little choices. the day to day decisions to seek light. to bring love. to make sacrifices. to live a life worthy of the on the floor in a tearful mess love of jesus.
it's the kind of love the deserves everything i have.

"you spend your life searching for greatness. you're reaching for things i can't give you and i don't want to spend my life not measuring up. you know everything about the fastest tree climber and the biggest brocolli, but you don't know the first thing about love. thats the only kind of greatness that counts, and i hope you find it someday"

i hope that doesnt end up being me one day. more than anything i hope i never get so disctracted by greatness that i forget about love. even if in between the mountain top shouting moments and the dancing in the rain moments there are earth shattering heartbreaking tear jerking moments.
let love be your guide.
it'll pull you to safety every time.

and we want life in every word to the extent that its absurd...

Sunday [The Pursuit of Happyness]

the problem with happiness is that it takes effort.
truly.


how much easier it is to be miserable.
to blame life for unhappiness.
to blame others.
your job.
your boss.
your lack of success.
your singleness.
your friends.
your location.
your health.
your family.
your upbringing.

why would it be my fault?
i'm stuck in this situation and there's nothing i can do about it.

how simple.
how easy.
how entirely convenient.



how difficult it is to break out.
to reach for dreams.
to chase happiness.
to do hard things, to not always succeed.
to face life with a smile, come what may.

lately i've been realising that my happiness is dependent on no one but me.

yes.
me.
i'm taking responsibility.
[please don't fall out of your seat. its not that big a revelation.]

and despite the fact that there are things looming in the future that make me want hide away.
things that i'd rather avoid.
decisions that make me want to curl in a ball and stay miserable.
i know.
i know.

i know that the alternative is not what my life looks like.
i know that making excuses is not what this is about.
i know that opportunities will pass by.
and i know that i don't want to get to the end of my life and wonder

what if?

what if i'd reached higher?
what if i'd faced my fears?
what if i'd achieved the things i dreamt about?
what if i stopped listening to everyone who told me it wasn't achievable?
what if i focused on a god who is bigger and greater and more powerful than any rejection or mistake or loss or embarrassment i could come across?

what if?

this year is gonna be the year, the year you lay to rest all of your fears...

Saturday [The Bell Jar]

tonight there was dancing,
tomorrow there will be breakfast and sunshine and movies and books

and now?
now, i dream.

not of far off places
or distant faces.

i dream of home.

a place i never thought i'd find and yet
is slowly creating itself around me.

it's the darker side of my heart that dies when you come to me...

Friday [The New Love Song]

dear life:

you are precious.
lovely.
beautiful.
entirely delightful.

dancing in winter sunshine.
twirly dresses.
late night driving.
dreamy sleepy fog and smiles.
new friends.
precious people.
joy and

goodness.
[if only you knew how much goodness.]

honestly, beautiful beautiful life,
you are the best thing to happen to me.

thank you for the gift of new days.
of change.
of joy.
thank you for the gift you give each midnight.
thank you for tomorrows.
for yesterdays.
for todays.

thank you for the future.
for hope and plans and dreams
that may or may not come to pass.

thank you for all of these and more.

open my eyes, i see sky...

Wednesday [The News from Your Bed]

it's my birthday soon
incase you didn't know..

right now i've no words for the feeling that consumes me

excitement
anxiousness
nervousness
joy
contentment
peace
gratitude
grace
patience
understanding
honesty
truthfullness
hope



oh,
hello hope.




i'm being creative again.
embracing that which is within me.
embracing him who is the most creative of all.

and learning to be entirely painfully honest.

no matter how much that terrifies me.

i can't wait to see what 2010 brings.

when i grow up i want to be a forester and run through the moss in high heels..

Tuesday [The Cripple at Your Table]

winter is coming,
tea cups, mountain trips,
warm fires and shimmering sunshine.
hibernation, contemplation.

it's been a year.
oh my.


i would not have believed you if you'd told me that this was how my story would go.

but it was written years ago
before my first breath
before the ocean first crashed upon the shore
before the first star was hung in the sky.

how grateful i am.

for an author who knows me inside out,
who hears my thoughts,
counts my breaths,
laughs with me,
cries with me,
holds me and carries me in my moments of weakness
pushes me and strengthens me for the challenges ahead.

how grateful i am...

A thousand miles of pain I’m sure
Led you to the threshold
Of my heart’s screen door
To tell me what it is I’m dying for
Gravity comes
Like a cold cold rain
To lead me to the rope again
But someone is standing in my place

Cause I’m a dead man now
With a ghost that lives
Within the confines of these carbon ribs
And one day when I’m free
I will sit
The cripple at your table

[drawings by kareena zerefos.
she's amazing.
you should look her up.]

Monday [The Unspoken]

Once upon a time
[a hill. a heartbeat.]
birds,
giggle tweet squawk.

[jump rope memories,
england, ireland, scotland, wales.]

A kiss, perched
upon your lips,
feathersofttoken

a smile

[in the corner of your eye
i'll try to hold your hand]

sunshine. strength.
forgiveness comes in waves.
slowly. softly. surely.

footsteps.
clamber.
tears.
and we,

sitting.


once upon a time...

and i will see you again, a long time, from now...

Sunday [The Difference]

There's a few things you should know:

it's been days..
it feels like months.

and i?

i am not the same anymore.

i love friends.

New friends. Old friends.

i love long sun-days
[sunny days]
by the beach
adventures and beauty
people

and jesus.

oh my,
how i love jesus.

i love change.
i love that its been brewing for months
[like a storm out at sea]
but has sprung so suddenly.

and i?

i.
am.
not.
the same.

the stuff of earth competes for the allegiance, i owe only to the giver of all good things..

Saturday [The List]

1. I was born in Poland and lived in Greece for three years before moving to Australia at the ripe old age of four.
As a result of this early aged migration, I have never felt truly "at home" anywhere.
But I love traveling and want to do so much more.

2. I love reading.
Big books, small books, long books, short books, picture books, story books.
When I was younger and had to stay home because I was sick, my mum would go to the library and get me a huge stack of books.

I'd usually have them finished by the end of the day.

3. As a result of my avid reading, I have an intense relationship with words.
My favourite word hands down is soliloquy.
People always assume I don't swear because I think its rude.
I don't swear because I think there are so many other more creative words that could be used in place of crassness.

4. I have curves that make Kate Winslet look like a stick, and it's something that I'm learning to be okay with.
I'll never be a size zero, but I was created in God's image, and I'm learning to love myself the way He does.

5. If it wasn't for Jesus, I would have easily slipped into an eating disorder at some stage or another.
He has saved me from myself so many times.

6. There are many things in my life that I would do again differently.
But, there isn't anything that I regret.
Every "mistake" is a lesson to learn, and I am am constantly grateful for learning.

7. Being creative is my life.
I draw, I paint, I sew, I write, I make, I play, I listen, I photograph.
I would be entirely miserable without any of these things.

8. I work with kids.
It's my life, not just a job.
It also means I get to play with playdough and chase bubbles and read picture books and build sandcastles and play dress ups and wrestle on the floor most days.
It's tough some times, but I can't see myself doing anything else right now.

9. I want to learn Spanish and move to South America to teach English.
If everything goes to plan, that will happen next year.

10. I love America.
I've been there twice, and it honestly amazes me.
I think God has a plan to have me in the states permanently one day.
I can't see how that will happen, but I know His plan will come to pass.

I can't wait.

11. I love birds.
They are hands down one of my favourite animals.
Close second are giraffes and frogs.

12. Polaroids are my favourite.
I like my photo's imperfect and unpredictable and instant.
I love light leaks and lens flares and blurred lights and odd focus.
There's something delightful about capturing a moment raw and honest.

13. One of my favourite books is "The Man Who Ate the 747" by Ben Sherwood.
I love it so much that I have it written on the walls of my room.
I wake up every day and go to sleep every night surrounded by a love story.

14. My extended family lives oceans away.
I see them once every few years if I'm lucky.
I often wish they lived closer.

15. I love baking and cooking.
Give me a few spare hours and some pretty music and soon the house will be filled with warm sugary smells.
When it comes to cooking though, I'm entirely experimental.
And messy.
Recipe's are for wimps and it usually takes me longer to clean up afterward than to actually make the meal.
Cooking usually involves dancing to the likes of Derek James or The Grates.

16. I think I should have been a gypsy.
The idea of living cheap and traveling often and playing music around bonfires at night enthralls me.

17. Some of my best friends in the entire world live in Canada.
I love them beyond measure, and know that we will one day be reunited to change the world together.

18. I am one of the clumsiest people I know.
It doesn't help that I bruise easily,
but I pretty much always have a bruise or two and never seem to know where they came from.
Having said that thought, I've never been to hospital or broken any bones.

19. Love is the answer.
It's that simple.
But I wish I could live it out more often.

20. I don't watch t.v much.
I'd much prefer to be reading or playing guitar, or making something.
But when I do its usually Scrubs or House or Pushing Daisies.

21. Sometimes I am just far too emotionally invested in other people.
To the point where I will cry while watching someone cry on t.v.
It's ridiculous, but makes me laugh at myself every time.

22. I am a bit crazy.
It's true.
I sing off key and I dance in shopping malls and I wear tutu's to the grocery store.
I love rain boots and twirly dresses and laughing and puddle jumping.
I once went for weeks at a time without talking to anyone unless it was necessary.
So what?

23. I sometimes go on random drives into the city late at night with the window open and the music loud.
I think Sydney is entirely beautiful at night, and when I can't sleep, it's the best place to be.

24. I'm an only child.
When I was younger, instead of imaginary friends, I had imaginary brothers and sister.
Eight of them.
And we all had magic powers like Matilda.

25. Above all else, I love Jesus.
I'm terrible at showing Him that sometimes, and if He was anyone else He would have broken up with me a long time ago
But He keeps pursuing me no matter how far I wander.
Loving Him is like being involved in an elaborate dance.

And I love dancing.




it's time, come meet me on the sunny road...

Friday [The Moment of Truth]

no more excuses...


the time has come to stand for all we believe in...

Thursday [The Late Night Drive...]

early morning empty streets and twinkle
shimmer street lights

every day a chance for memories
[with you, without you


who are you?]

maybe i dreamt you once
a stranger on the sidewalk
fleeting glances
second chances
a song
a sound
a moment

grainy snow storm snap shot
daylight
sunset
start again

[who are you?
maybe i saw you across a room
stood next to you and brushed your arm
an accident
subconsciously intentional...


who am i?]

hope for breakfast
a dash of joy
a sprinkling of grace

[you don't know me.

eyesclosedhalfsmile

imagine all the people that i could be..]

and it's okay.

the sun shines
the moon rises
rain falls

you
build a life
without
me

and i'm fine.

i'm okay.

and i will find you there, and i will mend your heart...

Wednesday [The Twenty-Five]

that compose the soundtrack to my life...

Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
The Sparrow and the Crow- William Fitzsimmons
Oh, My Darling - Basia Bulat
We Were Here- Joshua Radin
For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
Burgers Frown- Fergus Brown
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning- Bright Eyes
Plans - Death Cab for Cutie
Fisherman's Woman - Emiliana Torrini
The Last Kiss Soundtrack - Various
Girls and Boys - Ingrid Michaelson
The Medicine - John Mark McMillan
The Sun is Always Brighter - Joshua James
Everything is True- Paul Dempsey
Yael Naim - Yael Naim
Recording of The Middle East - The Middle East
Strays Don't Sleep - Strays Don't Sleep
Home, Vo. 5- Andrew Kenny & Ben Gibbard
Colour the Small One - Sia
23- Blonde Redhead
Give Up - The Postal Service
Maybe I'm Dreaming - Owl City
Stray - Derek James
Destination : Beautiful - Mae
Soil Creatures- Grand Salvo

you keep growing, like a shadow, when the suns going down...

Tuesday [The Soliloquy]

words
thought
breathe
life
joy
hope
patience
peace

and ever present all consuming

grace.


where on earth would i be without grace?

lost.
a storm
a struggle
a fight
a constant never ending battle.


i realised something today
months ago it would have stung
hurt and left me gasping for air.


today i shrugged and carried on.


i'm moving on


all because of grace.

oh you know we've searched this place, for something to love without a trace...

Monday [The Temptation]

"... the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something.

And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing
that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility,
and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them"
donald miller- blue like jazz

so sit back
get comfortable
find something to believe in
enough that you can argue about specifics

but why fight for it?
there are other things to do
life to lead
people to please

someone else will take care of it..

Truly?

I don't want to be that person.
My life =

safe


significant.

Sunday [The Confirmation]

let's do it.

Saturday [The Summer Storm]

Where to start?
What to say?

There are so many words
and yet not one fits.


I have done so much
been so much
felt so much
become so much.

I am so many things.
Undefinable.
Incomplete.

An illusion.
A change.
A breath.
A challenge.



A heart beat.

I am elusive at best.
A mystery.
A moment.

A life unfolding.
A secret unveiling.



A fairy dancing in the moonlight.

I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on...

Friday [The Greeting]

Hello new year, its nice to meet you.
Last year was good, but I know you'll be better.

There is so much riding on your arrival.
New life.
New joy.
New hope.
New peace.
New love.

[you're like a new baby born after years of wishes]


Oh dearest new year,
I wish so much for you.
I wish you'll find strength and courage where you least expect it.
I wish you'll have moments that floor you, moments where you soar on wings,
moments that take your breath away.
I wish you'll meet many new people.
See smiles
heartbreaks
tears
and laughter.

I wish you'll learn to leave things behind
and to love what you have.

I wish you'll learn to take a chance.
To make big choices and big decisions.
I wish you'll risk it all for a cause greater than the one you know.

Blessed beautiful year,
I wish you happiness.
Perfect and consuming, complete and unabated
I wish you happiness beyond measure.
The kind of infectious, daring, delightful happiness that spreads
and leaps and envelops
and changes lives.

And most of all,
I wish you love.
I wish you will learn to love and be loved.
To give love, to receive love, and to be love.
I wish you all the things that come with love.
The heartbreak, the tears, the pain and the passion.
The joy and the laughter and the giddy school girl giggles.


Here's to you, 2009.
May your every dream come true.

so this is the new year, and i have no resolution...