Friday [The Song of the Sparrow]

she is a girl,
complicated and confusing
a contradiction at best, a complete mystery at worst.

she is working on a million things at once.

she finds it hard to be herself.

tonight she watched the sunset from the freedom of a swing set.
barefoot and hair blowing in the back and forth breeze.
happiness sinks in slowly,
but its all consuming.

a smile creeps across her face.

contentment.

sometimes she wonders if anyone will ever love her.
but don't we all?

she is sorry for a lot of things.
would take it all back in a heartbeat.
would tell you to stay away from her,
she's trouble.

her mind doesnt seem to work like everyone elses,
mostly thats okay.
sometimes she would like to be someone else.
but wouldn't we all?

she is not the same person anymore.
the girl you tore to pieces is gone.

she loves.
a lot.
and that is the most important thing.




she would like to hold your hand.

moonlight will fall
winter will end
harvest will come
your heart will mend

goodmorning
goodmorning
you will find love.

Thursday [The Story]

what if i fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
what if i went, and lost myself, would you know where to find me?
if i forgot who i am, would you please remind me

cause without you things go hazy.

Wednesday [The Downpour]

when it rains
i
think of you
of me
of us

of what we will not be

and smile.

it is over
i am whole again.



rid my mind of all the freckles on your face...

Tuesday [The Poem]

who stands beside me still,
nameless, indifferent
to any lost or ill
motion of mind or will,
whose pulse is mine, who goes
sleepless and is not spent?

mozart said he could hear
a symphony complete,
its changing harmonies clear
plain in his inward ear
in time without extent.
and this one, whom i greet

yet cannot name, or see
save as lights sidelong shift,
who will not answer me,
knows what i was, will be,
and all i am: beyond
times desolating drift.

in half-light i rehearse
mozarts cascading thirds.
lights lingering tones disperse.
music and thought reverse
their flow. beside dark roots
dry crickets call like birds

that morning when i came
from childhoods steady air
to love, like a blown flame,
and learned: time will reclaim
all music manifest.
wait, then, beside my chair

as time and music flow
nightward again. i trace
their questioning voices, know
little, but learn, and go
on paths of love and pain
to meet you, face to face.

[Alter Ego - Gwen Harwood]



so please please please let me, let me get what i want, lord knows it will be the first time..

Monday [The Revolution]

oh.
hello.

this is for you.
an out of context apology.
a story.
or a word.
a whisper.

it's okay.
i don't think about you anymore.

i lost a good friend recently. it was mostly my fault. partially his as well, but i'm not going to shift blame. he loved me. possibly more than anyone else ever has. the kind of all consuming on the floor in a tearful mess love that invades everything. [perhaps i'm being presumptuous to say that. i guess it just felt that way for the most part.] he would have given everything up for me. and i broke his heart. [again with the presumptions]
maybe i was being selfish and maybe it was because i didnt feel as though i deserved that kind of love. regardless, i miss him, and sometimes wonder what he's up to. how he's doing. if he thinks of me. if he'll ever be able to think of me without the smear of what i did.

i wonder what would happen if i was to see him again. if i tracked him down. showed up in his doorstep one sleepy sunday morning.
would he take me in his arms or slam the door?

it doesn't matter. for the most part i feel relieved. it is something of a difficulty to have someone love you that much. expectation is high and disappointment is bound to ensue. i don't think i could have ever lived up to that kind of love. and i don't think i could have ever been worthy of it.

thaths why lately i've been having issues connecting with the love of jesus. how could he die for me? why would he? who am i to deserve that kind of love? its not feasible. its not logical. its not possible. and yet, in my heart of hearts, i still want to believe it is. who wouldn't? and that at its very core and essence, that is what keeps me wanting to live a better life. to be a better person. its not rules and regulations and ideals. it is, very simple,
love.
i am not a religious person. i have never believed in following rules and commandments to make me better. i am flawed. i am imperfect. and when it comes to life, i fuck it up again and again. and again.
the good news is, there is love.
regardless of how much i mess up, i'm told that god loves me.
in an on the floor in a tearful mess kind of way.
in a proclaim it from the rooftops kind of way.
in a send his son to die for me kind of way.

it just seems so unlikely, you know?
i find myself drifting away from him at times just to see what its like. just to remind myself how much i can't do my life on my own. a few months ago, in an angry, frustrated outburst, i told god to go away. to leave me alone. being god, he listened. and now im discovering that in truth, i need that love more than anything. without that love, that all consuming, all prevailing, all encompassing love, my life just does not make sense. but there i go, wandering time and time again into the darkness, into the empty abyss of a loveless life.
what exactly is so tempting about it? is it the mystery? the danger? the intruige of the things that live on the other side of happiness, whispering still shiny secrets? the kind of secrets that are just too hard to resist?
instant gratification. no sacrifices.
not that i want those things. honestly, no. Mostly, I love what my life is, but the things that are just out of reach, the things that my life is not, the creativity and melancholy that comes with darkness... it would be such an easy temptation to succumb to.

the problem with this kind of battle is that there are no definite conclusions. its a daily war thats been waging for centuries. it started long before i was born and will continue long after my memory is erased from the earth.
the victory comes in the little choices. the day to day decisions to seek light. to bring love. to make sacrifices. to live a life worthy of the on the floor in a tearful mess love of jesus.
it's the kind of love the deserves everything i have.

"you spend your life searching for greatness. you're reaching for things i can't give you and i don't want to spend my life not measuring up. you know everything about the fastest tree climber and the biggest brocolli, but you don't know the first thing about love. thats the only kind of greatness that counts, and i hope you find it someday"

i hope that doesnt end up being me one day. more than anything i hope i never get so disctracted by greatness that i forget about love. even if in between the mountain top shouting moments and the dancing in the rain moments there are earth shattering heartbreaking tear jerking moments.
let love be your guide.
it'll pull you to safety every time.

and we want life in every word to the extent that its absurd...