Monday [The Revolution]

oh.
hello.

this is for you.
an out of context apology.
a story.
or a word.
a whisper.

it's okay.
i don't think about you anymore.

i lost a good friend recently. it was mostly my fault. partially his as well, but i'm not going to shift blame. he loved me. possibly more than anyone else ever has. the kind of all consuming on the floor in a tearful mess love that invades everything. [perhaps i'm being presumptuous to say that. i guess it just felt that way for the most part.] he would have given everything up for me. and i broke his heart. [again with the presumptions]
maybe i was being selfish and maybe it was because i didnt feel as though i deserved that kind of love. regardless, i miss him, and sometimes wonder what he's up to. how he's doing. if he thinks of me. if he'll ever be able to think of me without the smear of what i did.

i wonder what would happen if i was to see him again. if i tracked him down. showed up in his doorstep one sleepy sunday morning.
would he take me in his arms or slam the door?

it doesn't matter. for the most part i feel relieved. it is something of a difficulty to have someone love you that much. expectation is high and disappointment is bound to ensue. i don't think i could have ever lived up to that kind of love. and i don't think i could have ever been worthy of it.

thaths why lately i've been having issues connecting with the love of jesus. how could he die for me? why would he? who am i to deserve that kind of love? its not feasible. its not logical. its not possible. and yet, in my heart of hearts, i still want to believe it is. who wouldn't? and that at its very core and essence, that is what keeps me wanting to live a better life. to be a better person. its not rules and regulations and ideals. it is, very simple,
love.
i am not a religious person. i have never believed in following rules and commandments to make me better. i am flawed. i am imperfect. and when it comes to life, i fuck it up again and again. and again.
the good news is, there is love.
regardless of how much i mess up, i'm told that god loves me.
in an on the floor in a tearful mess kind of way.
in a proclaim it from the rooftops kind of way.
in a send his son to die for me kind of way.

it just seems so unlikely, you know?
i find myself drifting away from him at times just to see what its like. just to remind myself how much i can't do my life on my own. a few months ago, in an angry, frustrated outburst, i told god to go away. to leave me alone. being god, he listened. and now im discovering that in truth, i need that love more than anything. without that love, that all consuming, all prevailing, all encompassing love, my life just does not make sense. but there i go, wandering time and time again into the darkness, into the empty abyss of a loveless life.
what exactly is so tempting about it? is it the mystery? the danger? the intruige of the things that live on the other side of happiness, whispering still shiny secrets? the kind of secrets that are just too hard to resist?
instant gratification. no sacrifices.
not that i want those things. honestly, no. Mostly, I love what my life is, but the things that are just out of reach, the things that my life is not, the creativity and melancholy that comes with darkness... it would be such an easy temptation to succumb to.

the problem with this kind of battle is that there are no definite conclusions. its a daily war thats been waging for centuries. it started long before i was born and will continue long after my memory is erased from the earth.
the victory comes in the little choices. the day to day decisions to seek light. to bring love. to make sacrifices. to live a life worthy of the on the floor in a tearful mess love of jesus.
it's the kind of love the deserves everything i have.

"you spend your life searching for greatness. you're reaching for things i can't give you and i don't want to spend my life not measuring up. you know everything about the fastest tree climber and the biggest brocolli, but you don't know the first thing about love. thats the only kind of greatness that counts, and i hope you find it someday"

i hope that doesnt end up being me one day. more than anything i hope i never get so disctracted by greatness that i forget about love. even if in between the mountain top shouting moments and the dancing in the rain moments there are earth shattering heartbreaking tear jerking moments.
let love be your guide.
it'll pull you to safety every time.

and we want life in every word to the extent that its absurd...