Wednesday [The Thing That Hurts Most...]

If I don't stand out like a star among the moons
If I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
Everything comes crashing in.
If I'm too wide open for this place
But not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
With no one's arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity, faded with uncertainty
No longer young and not that pretty
How will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter, the tears I cry.
There's a well inside of me that never runs dry
From being born I guess, and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
Still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
With goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
Reaching forward to trick mirror men
Leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I'm wasting my time
How will he find me? 

Tuesday [The Confession...]

Okay, so here's the thing:

I don't like girls.

I know this is a bit ridiculous, seeing as how I am one and all,

but its true.

I don't like the whole

I'm going to be so nice to you in person and then bitch about you behind your back thing

that seems to be so prevalent in the female sex.

I know,

guys do it too.

But it doesn't seem to be so pronounced, 

and guys aren't as good as disguising the fact that they don't like someone.

I think the reason I don't like that most is because I find myself doing it on occasion too

and yet,

it's apparently acceptable 

because I'm female.

What I don't understand is that we've spent so long breaking gender stereotypes.

Girls should be in the kitchen and never wear pants.

These things are harmless, really.

I love being in the kitchen.

I hate pants.

But when it comes to things that are truly harmful:

gossip, passive aggressive bullying, rumour spreading, 

bitching, back stabbing, name calling,

we don't seem to care.

Isn't it these gender stereotypes we ought to be looking at breaking?

Fixing? Getting rid of? Breaking through?

Really?

Wouldn't THAT benefit the world more?

i miss this face, i miss that place...

Monday [The Blooming...]

my head has that woozy just before getting sick feeling

im not sure what i wanted to say.

i'm glad you decided to stay.

i've got millions of pieces of you, that you left me...

Sunday [The Letter...]

Dear future boyfriend/husband,

would you still love me if: 

I did embarrassing things in public places? I spoke too loud, too fast, too much?

 I switched the music on your Ipod to tween pop by prepubescent boys?

 I always made you decide what we should do/where we should go? I refused to talk to you for hours after an argument? 

I always made you wash the dishes because I didn’t want to wreck my nail polish? 

I spent all my time reading books and ignored basic hygiene/well being practices? 

Every time you talked about important things, I interrupted with useless facts about celebrities? 

I sang all your favourite songs off key and out of time? I gave your friends nicknames based on their physical attributes? 

I danced down the aisles in grocery stores? I farted in public and blamed it on you?

 I filled our house with animals and complained to them about you? I kicked you in my sleep, all the time? 

I insisted on hiding behind you when meeting your family/friends/family friends? 

I picked fights with you just because I was bored? I never listened to a word you say? I always made you order for me in restaurants?

 I spent days dressing/ talking in a cultural theme? I ran away from you all the time? I never believed you when you told me you love me?

 I was always fishing for compliments? I got upset because you didn’t say things the way I wanted you to? 

I used big words you didn’t understand and then rolled my eyes when you asked me to explain?

 I had tantrums when things didn’t go my way? I always blew our budget within the first week of the month?

 I got distracted from you every time someone showed me the least bit of affection? I made every bottle of soft drink flat before drinking it?

 I used you as the taste tester for adventurous and not always successful cooking experiments?

 For every year we were together, I put on five kilos, but got touchy if you brought it up?

 I burst into spontaneous laughter for seemingly no reason, at inappropriate times? I fell over all the time?

 I forgot things that were important, and remembered things that weren’t? I said inappropriate things to your parents?

 I didn’t like your friends? I purred like a cat every time you touched me? I smashed things when we argued?

 I made up stories about things all the time? I was terrible at paying bills on time?

 I made you make all the important phone calls, ever, because they made me nervous? I fed you so much you felt sick, all the time? 

I called you fat? I ran away to my parents house every time I was upset with you?

 I was clingy and needy and stubborn and complained about everything you did? I redid everything after you because it wasn’t good enough, ever? 

I beat you up when you did things I didn’t like? I was always competing with you? I listened to the t.v/ music/ computer too loud?

 I regularly pretended to be someone else? I stole your best shirts/jumpers to wear out? I always washed your clothes on the wrong cycle? 

I ironed things in funny ways? I pretended not to know you on the street?

 I moved things around the house and didn’t tell you where they were? I giggled like a five year old at immature things? 

I was just plain weird?

Because, well, really, these are all things I do/would do. If you can handle all of that, then I’ve got a feeling you might just be perfect for me.

now, i just need to find you.

dance, dance, dance...

Saturday [The Beginning, not The End...]

i like listening to old songs

eyes closed

memory flood

years go by

and i find myself here.

spring is starting to fight itself out of the ground.

the air is warm again.

twirly skirts and windy days.

the other night involved an adventure.

a visit to a place i haven't been in a while.

memories made

and i think i'm going to go back there more often now.

winter night wading.

tripping and slipping

laughing and skipping.

sad conversations.

happy conversations.

words that went round in circles but never found their way to what i wanted to say.

but that's okay.

heart racing hugs.

muffled whispers.

eyes closed.

i don't know when i'll see you again.

let's just stay.

i'm sorry if i can't give you the things you want.

if sometimes i'm confusing or misleading.

i'm sorry if i hurt you.

just know it hurts me more.

i will miss you when you are across the sea.

i still get a sad feeling inside, to see the red tail lights wave goodbye

we'll grow old together...

Friday [The Thoughts...]

i have decided that I am no longer going to say yes when i mean no.

i think that that is a good thing.

i have also decided that i am going to say yes more often though.

but not,

i repeat,

not, 

when i mean no.

know that i love you, even now, even still, even though we fell apart...