Monday [The Endless Sea]

I wonder how this would have all panned out if it weren't for dreams. Do you think we would have spoken at all? 

I ask because I'm a little confused. I haven't dreamt about you in the longest time, but now that you're sailing away across the endless oceans, you've once again been interrupting my dreams at night.

and that's alright. 

It's not that I'm in love with you. 

I know I'm not. 

But I can't stop thinking about the what ifness of the situation.

What if the timing was different? 

What if we lived a little closer?

What if I came to see you?

What if we took a giant leap into the unknown?

And maybe that's all we're given in life. Just an endless series of what ifs that we have to either follow up on, or learn to live with, unanswered. 

All these thoughts are entirely distracting. Especially since last week I was dating someone who I thought I was going to one day marry. 

Perhaps it's fortunate that that didn't work out in the end. 

Mostly though, I have no idea what you think of this.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. That was never my intention.

But you are utterly lovely...

and I am utterly confused as to why you keep showing up in my dreams.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all this. I've been tossing up the worth of actually telling you or simply leaving things unsaid. 

I don't want to complicate the matter, but at the same time I want to be honest about things.

And this is a pretty big elephant to be squirrelling away under a rug.

I really wish you were here to sit down and talk with. I feel like all this would make so much more sense if you were here

or I was there

or we were both

somewhere else.

I still think you'd be the best travel partner. 

I can't think of many people I'd be happier to get lost in foreign countries with.

But apparently that's not an appropriate thing to say to someone who you're not dating.

And this is where I always seem to get stuck.

I think there's entire chapters of the 'how to be a successful human' manual that I completely missed. 

I forget there are certain things you can't say or do when you're in a relationship.

I forget that there's a level of vulnerability and openness that should apparently only be reserved for your significant other. 

I so very often feel like everyone is pretending to be perfect and have it all together because there's this expectation that that's how it should be, but no one actually is and no one actually does. 

and maybe I'm a little too open and a little too vulnerable, but on all that I call bullshit. 

because it doesn't do anyone any good if we're all pretending to be something we're not. 

so this is me. 

I love way too much and way too often. I fall for random people all the time,. it might be for a second or a week or maybe years, but that doesn't mean I'm going to follow through with it. 

I believe in being honest and I believe in being vulnerable, even if its not what people expect. 

even if they don't know what to do with it once it lands in their laps. 

(and I sure don't expect you to know what to do with it either. I sure don't)

if this seems scattered its because I'm not sure how to feel about this right now.

all I know is that who I am gets me into trouble far more often than I would like, and I'm never quite sure how I get there until everything is a big mess and lots of people are hurt/mad at me. 

sometimes I wonder if I'm better off just being on my own. as an introvert, I'd be entirely okay with that. people are really hard to understand sometimes.

but more importantly than all that, I just want you to know that I love you. and I want to be able to do things to show you without them being entirely misinterpreted, because I think it's nice to feel loved and it's nice when people who love you show you they do. but apparently that's another thing that's meant to be reserved for your significant other because otherwise people read too much into it in all the wrong ways. 

again with the bullshit.

in all truth and honesty, as long as its clear between us, who cares how other people view it? surely that's their problem, right? 

ugh.

I hope you're okay with this. please let me know if you're not. in the end, all I want is for you to be happy and for us, in whatever context or definition we decide on, to be okay. 

regardless of everyone else and their opinions.

because you're already terribly important to me, and I can't help but feel like the future holds so much more that it's keeping a secret from us for now. 

I have never dreamt of anyone as often as I do you.

And I can't wait to find out why.