Monday [The Thankfulness..]

I'll be the first to admit that I don't remember what your voice sounds like anymore.
sometimes, you pass through my mind
I blink
and continue with my work without pausing for breath
sometimes I spend hours lost in thoughts of you. 

I am learning not to miss you, I am learning not to crave the way it feels to kiss you, to be kissed by you
to have my mind stilled and my heart set alight by you.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't remember what your hands feel like anymore.
sometimes, someone asks me how you are and I shrug it off without a second thought.
I don't know
I don't need to know
I am okay with not knowing

I am learning not to think about you endlessly
I am learning to live without you weaving a path through my days.

I'll be the first to admit that today, I spoke to you
and maybe this makes me crazy, but I swear I heard you reply.
I felt you respond, not with words
but with the surety of love.


love.


I am so lucky to be loved by a man who would move mountains and stars to be the best he can.
if there was one thing I could tell you now 
it would be that I love you.
I want morning and noon and nightfall with you.
I want your best and your worst and all the moments in between.
I want campfires and books in bed
sunrises and sunsets
I want moments of endlessly wild passion
sleep ins and lazy Sunday's
I want your heart, every thought you've ever had, every dream you've ever dreamt
I want to walk with you hand in hand
for the rest of our days

I want you.


I'm just having a hard time remembering what that feels like anymore.

Sunday [The Longing...]

I reach for you in my dreams

like trees reach their roots out to the farthest corners of the forest floor

like the light from stars reaches out to galaxies light years from their own

I reach for you because I know no other way

you have gone deep into the abyss and my heart feels the lack of you

so I fill my time with stitches, with sonnets and songs

I send telegrams to you via trees

I tap morse code messages into the grass

I sit in the suns setting rays and imagine you doing the same

I hope and hope and hope that somehow my words, like the light from stars

transcends space to meet you somewhere in the darkness.

I crave you like the voiceless crave waves in their throats

like the lightless crave stars in their eyes

like the restless crave the sun in their hands.

I spend my days in a half dream 

an in between state

until the sun tucks its weary rays back into the earth and I can reach for you in my dreams again.

the days are no longer mine.

Saturday [The Learning Curve...]

I am learning that I still have so much to learn.

I am learning to love you from a distance,

I am learning to be okay with not feeling loved in return.

I am learning to accept that my own love needs to be enough for me.

I am learning to move. to be free. to let things go.

I am learning that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

I am learning to be grateful through the difficult times.

I am learning.

I am learning to trust. trust the universe, trust my feelings, trust my intuition, trust others.

I am learning to be okay with not being okay. 

I am learning that I still have so so far to go.

I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of opening up.

I stand on mountaintops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go.

I know nothing, but I am here to learn

Shane Koychan

Friday [The Month of Patience]

a month ago, i snuck up on you under the bridge

you hugged me for the first time (for the thousandth time) and our hearts hammered against our chests 

knocking morse code messages to each other through our skin.

hello. hello. i've missed you. where have you been?

a month ago we watched the sun set and talked of all things past and present and future.

a month ago i fell in love with you. 

for the first time

(for the thousandth time) 

and I knew.

it was you.

it was always you.

you have gone for a month now,

and I find solace in the rising and setting of the sun.

in the surety of the moon, and the steadyness of stars.

this afternoon I stood on top of the hill and watched the sun sink into the clouds

and I felt you in my heart, as I always have.

I know, wherever you go, you are here with me.

but I cannot wait to have your arms around me again.