i wonder how often your thoughts drift towards me
whether they are icebergs floating imperceptibly in unknown depths
or tectonic plates crashing into themselves
causing seismic shifts on the surface
i wonder if your heart beats incessantly at the sound of my name
or whether it is the flutter of butterfly wings
barely perceptible
a drop in this ocean of oncoming storm
i wonder if when i think of you
your soul pulses with the frequencies mine keeps sending out
if only to reach you somewhere in the atmosphere and remind you that
i'm still here
still waiting
still here.
i wonder if you know that i am terrified of both seeing you again
and never seeing you again
that the dilemma of this dichotomy keeps me awake at night
imagining all the conversations we would have
or wouldn't have.
that living in this silence for the rest of my life would be the slowest death
and yet at times is almost preferable to the looming deadline
of hearing your voice once more.
i am torn between the wanting and the not knowing
the not wanting to know
and the wanting to not know.
i am torn between my mind
which has been crashing with the intensity of tectonic plates
causing oceans to wash away everything i thought was true
and my heart
which has taken to beating out seconds to the rhythm of your name.
still here
still here
still
here.
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