Tuesday [The Goodbye Letter...]

Dear 2014,

I know you left a couple of days ago, but I wanted to write you a parting missive, as I feel that it is important.

I'm not going to lie, you were tough.

Like, really tough.

Tougher than I ever imagined.

But for that I am grateful.

2014, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am now.

And in all complete honesty, 

I really like where I am now.

I have learnt so much.

About love

about trust

about relationships

about people

about truth

about integrity

about flowers

about myself

about the industry i work in

about where i want to go and who i want to be

about love

about home and hope and finding oneself in the unlikeliest places.

I have learnt so much and grown so much and been challenged and stretched and pushed and all those amazing things that are good for the soul.

And i am so glad we're done.

Because I have been exhausted.

And while i'm grateful for all the pushing and shaping and stretching,

I feel like I have been running endlessly with my head down just looking to get through the day.

there has been no time to stop and appreciate the moments along the way.

So 2014,

Thank you for the lessons. 

Thank you for being tough and challenging and often downright hard and exhausting.

You did what you had to so I could be where I need to

And I will never not appreciate that.

Farewell, old friend. 

I am glad to say that I gave you all I had.

I have decided that as we part there are some things I would like to leave behind in your arms.

I am leaving behind fear and running into the arms of love.

I am leaving behind doubt and running into the arms of certainty.

I am leaving behind restraint and running into the arms of unashamed, exuberant, joyful, painful, messy, beautiful emotion.

I am leaving behind strength and giving myself permission to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be okay with being these things.

I am leaving behind the need to appear like I've got all my shit together. There is no truth in pretending, and i am tired of feeling so alone.

I am leaving behind the little girl who is scared of doing anything because it might be the wrong thing. I am filling her heart with love and with trust and with excitement for life, and I am taking her hand and we are going to go off and make mistakes together. 

We will be okay.

We will get hurt.

We will stumble

Sometimes we will have trouble getting up.

We will learn to ask for help.

We will be okay.

I want her to learn that there is nothing wrong with being human, with reaching for someone else's hand when you cannot do something alone.

I want her to know that she does not have to do anything alone. 

That there are people in this world who believe in her and who would go above and beyond to see her get there.

I want her to know that her path is hers alone and no one has permission to make her feel guilty for the steps she does or does not take.

[no, not even her parents]

I want her to love herself the way she loves others.

It is going to be a challenge, but I know we can do this.

I want her to be okay with having a messy heart, a broken heart, a chipped and cracked and bruised heart. 

I want her to be okay with less than perfect.

I want her to strive for perfection anyway.

2014,

if it weren't for you I wouldn't be in this place today.

2015,

lets go.