The Adventure

Saturday [The Summer Break...]

2011-02-08T20:29:00.000+11:00

oh.

my.

really?

2011, you have proven yourself to be wonderful so far.

I had high hopes for you at one stage, but now, they're even higher.

School starts again soon, and with it comes adventures and procrastination and learning and lots of hard work.

But before that, summer has been a blur. A sweet, wonderful, sticky, hot blur.

Hand holding and good morning kisses, swimming in icy cold waterholes on boiling hot days.

Friend dates and real dates,

food and laughing.

Ridiculous music.

Regular sleep ins and tired eyes.

Hugs and happiness.

So so so much happiness.

The timing for this was perfect.

A few weeks ago I realised I was finally completely over and done with everything regarding that ex.

Letting go was the best decision of my life.

And you?

You are wonderful.

Entirely unexpected.

But completely and utterly wonderful.

My head is still spinning from the unlikeliness of it all.

she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers....

Friday [The Train of Thought...]

2011-01-03T20:21:00.000+11:00

One of my friends got me a whole lot of post it notes for my birthday. I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t have much need for them, and I already have a ton of lovely heart shaped ones to keep me amused. Nevertheless I am determined to find a good use for them, so here’s a post it note sized letter..

The fun part is that once you’re done reading it, you can stick it up in places. Not that you’d want to. It’s pretty uneventful so far.

Today has been a quiet at home day. It occurred to me last that that there are a number of things (call them bad habits if you like) that have somewhat taken a hold of my life and I would very much like that not to be the case anymore. Funnily enough it was watching Scott Pilgrim VS the World that drew my attentions to these issues. I love movies that do that unexpectedly and without pretension.

I digress. The reason that today has been a quiet at home day stands like this: it is cold and on and off sprinkling out, my mum has my car, and I’ve been in a thoughtful, pensive mood all day.

Once upon a time, I would have been dead set against the idea of me being an introvert. I know, it’s preposterous, but I was always so sure that I wanted to get into social work and spend my life helping people, and being introverted did not fit into the picture. However, it has gotten to the point where this fact is simply undeniable, and so, I have come to accept it and, in some ways, embrace it. However, I feel that i my acceptance of the fact, I have become slightly complacent with the things that I had always disliked about introversion. I mean, the fact of that matter is that I will never be someone who has hundreds of friends and is constantly out at parties and such. I’ve always preferred a small group of close friends to a large one of shallow friends. That’s just who I am, and for the most part, that’s okay. But sometimes I wonder if it is. If I’m somehow missing out on a huge amount of life because of it. I guess sometimes I wish it was easier for me to talk to strangers, or make friends, or just be amazingly bubbly and airheady and forward with everyone. I’m not. There’s no point in trying to be that also, because I hate the idea of being fake. But at the same time, I feel like every now and then I might need to be.

Fake it till you make it, right?

My ex used to get to frustrated with me all the time. He thought the mysteriousness was intentional, an act I put on to get attention, keeping secrets just to be frustrating.

It’s not, and I don’t. The one thing I’ve never been is an attention seeker.

I don’t like keeping secrets. They catch up with you eventually. I tell people about everything in my life. That’s just how it is. I’m not sure where the mystery stems from, but he wasn’t the first, nor the last, to tell me that I’m mysterious. I don’t know where it stems from.

I’ve always been an open book. Maybe most people just don’t care enough to turn the pages.

Their loss, I reckon.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to become someone else. To act like them so much that you forget who you are. That you, as you thought you were, just ceases to exist. It would be nice, I think, to be someone else for a change.

Maybe then I might understand how everyone else manages to function so well.

I can’t help but think it silly how we all put on airs. How everyone pretends to be normal, competent human beings when, in reality, we all are secretly falling apart, held together by bits of string. OUr seams are a all a little frayed, and we all have nightmares that haunt us.

I think people should be more honest with each other.

Not just in the “I’m not going to lie anymore” sense.

I think we ought to start being real and not just hiding behind perfectly composed exteriors. It would make so much more sense.

Sometimes, I wake up and feel like the fattest person in the world. None of my clothes fit right, my hair is a complete wreck, and my skin looks like the surface of the moon. On days like these I don’t want to go out and be surrounded by skinny people with awesome clothes, perfect skin and hair, all glowing and laughing like they own the world.

But I’ve learnt to grin and bear it. To accept the fact that everyone has bad days, and it doesn’t at all change who I am. I guess I can only hope that I might run into someone having the same issues as me and, seeing me being okay with my less than perfect exterior, maybe they might learn to be a little more okay with theirs.

I think it comes down to a matter of believing in yourself. More so, I think it comes down to trusting yourself. For example, if I’m typing something, I know very well how to touch type. There’s no need for me to look at the keys, as I’ve been doing this so long that my fingers automatically find the right spot. But the minute I start to doubt myself, or sneak glances at the keyboard, then I hit the wrong keys, make ridiculous typo’s, skip letters all together. It’s like the minute I start to doubt myself, my brain freezes up.

Now, what if I was just to believe in myself about everything? All the time? Regardless of whether it was the first time I was doing something, or the thousandth. Wouldn’t it make sense that I’d be better at everything? I mean, obviously there are things I couldn’t do. I’ll never be a tightrope walker, for one, or pilot a submarine. But when it comes down to the things that I know how to do, that I know I’m good at, that I’ve succeeded at in the past, why should I doubt myself anymore? The truth is, if I don’t believe in myself, then no one else will. And if no one believed in themselves then there are so many thousands of things that would never have been invented, created, achieved, dreamt, brought to life.

And how sad would that be?

what if you should decide, that you don't want me there in your life...

Thursday [The Way Things Go...]

2010-12-17T23:16:00.000+11:00

it's come to my attention, 2010,

that it is almost your time to be over.

i'm surprised at that, and honestly,

just a little sad.

you have been good to me.

truly.

more so than i could have ever hoped for.

there are no doubt a hundred thousand and one things i could thank you for:

for art school, and awesome grades.

for new friends and old friends and late night adventures.

for cute boys and cute outfits.

for somehow surviving a year without a job, even though i never thought i'd manage that.

for a newly decorated room, and an almost entirely new wardrobe.

for creativity and creating and creations.

but honestly, most importantly,

2010,

if there's anything i take away from you at all,

the most important thing in the world would be this:

thank you for the courage to finally believe in myself,

for the reassurance that the things i love and the things i believe in

are the things that work in my life,

the things i was made to do.

for the knowledge that i am capable of succeeding in anything i put my mind to,

and above all else,

thank you,

for teaching me to love myself again.

it was never going to be an easy task,

and it may have taken me a hellishly long time to get there,

but i know i couldn't have done it without you.

i'll miss you.

you were wonderful.

and i'm looking forward to what you're next of kin has in store.

and your ghost will have to leave...

Wednesday [The Past, The Present...]

2010-10-06T10:58:00.000+11:00

I found this:

"I've wanted words for this for so long, but they've never come when I was prepared, and the moment I was, they'd leave again.

And now? Someone else is writing the story I always wanted to.

If this sounds cryptic, that's because it is.

There's so many how's and why's and when's and so many things yet to be explained/discovered/understood.

The only thing I do not question, because it is written on my heart, and doubting it would be like doubting my own existence.

The only thing I do not question is that this is what I am here for. That giving my life to others is where my story begins and where my story ends.

I feel, as I read someone else's words, completely inspired and yet somewhat... hopeless?

The truth is, I do not know where to start in living out my story.

I do not know what word comes first.

There, I've said it, and it's out.

I guess really, it's a matter of beginning with the beginning, and since my beginning is to learn all I can, that's where I'll start.

In reality, it's where I should have started two years ago,

but I didn't know all of this then.

I wish I did.

I wish someone had told me the story of a girl who was born to help people and would never feel accomplished, or even truly happy,

until she did.

I wish someone had warned me that once you learn what it is that has been placed in your heart,

the calling becomes stronger than anything imaginable.

I wish someone had told me that it was possible.

That it is possible to live it out without completely sacrificing everything that is necessary to you,

because once you start feeding your calling, the necessities take care of themselves.

I'm going to start my story now:

My name is Dominika. I am 19. I am engaged. I am at university studying psychology and counselling.

More than anything in life, I just want to help, whoever needs it.

And above and before all else, I believe this is the one and only thing that will make me happy, because it's the one and only thing God has carved into my heart.

The rest is optional."

It's four years later.

Oh, how things change.

Sometimes, I am so terribly sad for that girl.

So terribly sad about the fact that all the things she thought were real and good and true turned out to be

all the things that weren't right for her.

And yet, I'm glad that she had a chance to exist.

To be the person she was so that she could become the person she is.

I am none of those things anymore.

My name is Dominika. I am 23. I am single. I am at university studying fine arts and arts.

More than anything in life, I just want to create, however that happens.

And above and before all else, I know, without a doubt that this is the one and only thing that will make me happy.

Because it's the one and only thing that makes me happy.

The rest is optional.

all things go, all things go...

Tuesday [The Thing That Is...]

2010-09-13T22:28:00.000+10:00

so there's this thing...

i mean.....

it goes like this....

well, no.

once upon a time...

who am i kidding, those never work out.

is it strange that sometimes i spend days

in a daze

in a daydream

in a...

i'm not sure how this works anymore.

be patient with me, won't you?

smile.

stop.

stutter.

smile.

if i get to 2689 blinks, it'll work out.

oh.

there's no bargaining here.

hello springtime.

sunshine, blossoms, birds, butterflies

in the air, or

in my stomach.

it's been too long since the flowers grew.

there should be more moments like this.

let's grow old together

never growing old

at all.

ever.

all we can do is keep breathing...

Monday [The Complaint...]

2010-09-05T16:52:00.000+10:00

dear boys of the world:

when will you understand that when a girl says no,

generally,

it means no.

not maybe, or yes if, or possibly, or one day.

that's not to say i don't admire your persistence.

it is, indeed, an admirable quality.

but you need to realise one thing:

the constant badgering and begging,

the displays of gentlemanliness and strength,

the promises and endless flirtations with hope,

are pointless

if she doesn't like you.

am i making myself clear?

in fact,

if one might be so bold as to assume that this is the case for most girls,

if she doesn't like you,

and you do these things,

you may very well run the risk of losing her friendship altogether.

i guess it comes down to whether or not you think this is worth it.

i hope you can choose wisely.

is she right way up, or upside down...

Sunday [The Recurring Nightmare...]

2010-08-17T17:04:00.000+10:00

why does my heart still race a little when i dream of you?

why does the thought of you coming back,

even only in my subconscious,

make me a little bit melancholy,

a little bit lonely?

even though in reality,

i don't want you back,

i wouldn't ever want you back....

and yet...

i don't know if i'd say no if you were to suggest it.

i'm not sure if that's just because i want someone to fill that spot,

or if,

deep down,

i wish it had worked out.

this morning i dreamt that you told me you loved me.

even in my dream state i thought to ask you,

what happened to the girl you were marrying?

you told me not to worry about her,

but i knew, deep down, that you were still together.

what am i meant to do about you?

it's been three years since i saw you last.

my entire life is different,

wonderful,

and going in all the directions i always wanted it to go.

you absolutely destroyed me,

and it's taken me this long to get back on my feet.

there are still things i struggle with, but i know,

those too shall pass.

the thing that shatters me most is that i know you don't care.

the likelihood of my name or face ever crossing your mind,

well,

i'm sure it doesn't happen.

i guess i take comfort in the fact that the you i dream of sometimes,

isn't you.

he has brown eyes, where yours are blue,

a dimple that doesn't exist on your face,

and the best smile i've ever seen.

still, there are certain characteristics that are entirely you

and it is these,

more than anything else,

that sets my heart a racing.

but why?

i want to find someone worth loving again.

someday, you will, be loved...

Saturday [The Daydreamer...]

2010-08-14T22:45:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, when I am babysitting, I pretend that the child is mine.

That there is a husband soon coming home to us,

and the clothes i iron are ours.

He woulld creep into our childs room and kiss them on the forehead as they sleep,

wrapped tight in dreams and love.

Come find me, by the fire place

[because i hate the cold and love,

like a cat,

to curl up close to the warmth]

and he would sit, and sigh,

a release of all the tension built up during the day.

I would look at him and smile,

a kiss lingering between us and then

i'd rub his back as he told me of his day.

A meal would be shared, simple,

warming food, all prepared with love,

and eaten amidst laughter,

discussion, sharing and conspiring.

He'd reach for my hand across the table and tell me

he loves me,

and i'd smile,

safe in the knowledge that

should he never utter those words again in his life,

i'd know it anyway because it's in his eyes.

Later, we would curl up on the couch,

my head in his lap, and his fingers brushing out

imaginary knots in my hair.

The rain would drum its steady heart beat on the roof above and

we would stay

tucked up warm

safe in each other

safe in ourselves.

Sometimes, there would be arguments

disagreements

and days where he would come home to a cold dinner and an empty house.

But these moments, too

would pass,

and even in out most desperate, disastrous moments

I would always tell him that I love him,

before the blanket of sleep rendered all thoughts incoherent.

This kind of fantasy always gets sidetracked by one, sad, distraction.

This husband has no name, no face,

no shape to speak of.

I cannot tell you if his eyes are brown, or blue,

cannot tell you the colour of his hair,

or the sound of his voice.

I do not know his favourite food, the things that drive him and motivate him,

or the things that break his heart.

I only know that he is out there, somewhere.

That he will smile at me across the room

and ask me out for coffee

and that our lives will become so intertwined that we'll wonder how it is that we ever lived apart.

Dear husband:

I am waiting for you.

And in the meantime, I will work on making myself the best wife one could ask for.

Just for you.

Pour toujours.

maybe, one day, maybe, some day...

Friday [The Daffodils....]

2010-08-09T20:43:00.002+10:00

in time of daffodils (who know

the goal of living is to grow)

forgetting why, remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim

the aim of waking is to dream

remember so (forgetting seem)

in time of roses (who amaze

our now and here with paradise)

forgetting if, remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond

whatever mind may comprehend

remember seek (forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be

(when time from time shall set us free)

forgetting me, remember me

it isn't late, but i am tired.

that makes me sad and yet,

my head is on overdrive.

as usual.

e.e. cummings fixes everything.

lover, come back...

Thursday [The Secret Garden..]

2010-08-07T17:57:00.000+10:00

oh, hi.

i wish spring would hurry up.

words do not begin to describe how much i'm longing for warm sunny days.

and...

something?

someone?

a possibility

and a question without an answer.

i cannot give you one

at all.

it is cold and my heart is dwelling in warmer places.

not here,

no, no,

and not you.

[not that long ago, you told me to stop saying no.

i can't.

it is,

when you're around,

the only word on my lips

and i,

made a promise that i would stop saying yes, when i meant no.]

i tried.

i swear, i did.

but my future is not this,

and no,

it is not you.

instead, it waits for the summer.

for twirly skirts and heels

[which you hate, and makes me wonder

how you can think that this will work]

for adventures and beach days and long drives with the windows down

picnics in the park and

sunshine.

sweet

golden light.

come back soon please?

i was made for sunny days, and i was made, for you...

Wednesday [The Thing That Hurts Most...]

2010-07-27T18:44:00.000+10:00

If I don't stand out like a star among the moons
If I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
Everything comes crashing in.
If I'm too wide open for this place
But not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
With no one's arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity, faded with uncertainty
No longer young and not that pretty
How will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter, the tears I cry.
There's a well inside of me that never runs dry
From being born I guess, and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
Still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
With goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
Reaching forward to trick mirror men
Leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I'm wasting my time
How will he find me?

Tuesday [The Confession...]

2010-07-24T15:50:00.000+10:00

Okay, so here's the thing:

I don't like girls.

I know this is a bit ridiculous, seeing as how I am one and all,

but its true.

I don't like the whole

I'm going to be so nice to you in person and then bitch about you behind your back thing

that seems to be so prevalent in the female sex.

I know,

guys do it too.

But it doesn't seem to be so pronounced,

and guys aren't as good as disguising the fact that they don't like someone.

I think the reason I don't like that most is because I find myself doing it on occasion too

and yet,

it's apparently acceptable

because I'm female.

What I don't understand is that we've spent so long breaking gender stereotypes.

Girls should be in the kitchen and never wear pants.

These things are harmless, really.

I love being in the kitchen.

I hate pants.

But when it comes to things that are truly harmful:

gossip, passive aggressive bullying, rumour spreading,

bitching, back stabbing, name calling,

we don't seem to care.

Isn't it these gender stereotypes we ought to be looking at breaking?

Fixing? Getting rid of? Breaking through?

Really?

Wouldn't THAT benefit the world more?

i miss this face, i miss that place...

Monday [The Blooming...]

2010-07-21T11:51:00.000+10:00

my head has that woozy just before getting sick feeling

im not sure what i wanted to say.

i'm glad you decided to stay.

i've got millions of pieces of you, that you left me...

Sunday [The Letter...]

2010-07-15T23:38:00.000+10:00

Dear future boyfriend/husband,

would you still love me if:

I did embarrassing things in public places? I spoke too loud, too fast, too much?

I switched the music on your Ipod to tween pop by prepubescent boys?

I always made you decide what we should do/where we should go? I refused to talk to you for hours after an argument?

I always made you wash the dishes because I didn’t want to wreck my nail polish?

I spent all my time reading books and ignored basic hygiene/well being practices?

Every time you talked about important things, I interrupted with useless facts about celebrities?

I sang all your favourite songs off key and out of time? I gave your friends nicknames based on their physical attributes?

I danced down the aisles in grocery stores? I farted in public and blamed it on you?

I filled our house with animals and complained to them about you? I kicked you in my sleep, all the time?

I insisted on hiding behind you when meeting your family/friends/family friends?

I picked fights with you just because I was bored? I never listened to a word you say? I always made you order for me in restaurants?

I spent days dressing/ talking in a cultural theme? I ran away from you all the time? I never believed you when you told me you love me?

I was always fishing for compliments? I got upset because you didn’t say things the way I wanted you to?

I used big words you didn’t understand and then rolled my eyes when you asked me to explain?

I had tantrums when things didn’t go my way? I always blew our budget within the first week of the month?

I got distracted from you every time someone showed me the least bit of affection? I made every bottle of soft drink flat before drinking it?

I used you as the taste tester for adventurous and not always successful cooking experiments?

For every year we were together, I put on five kilos, but got touchy if you brought it up?

I burst into spontaneous laughter for seemingly no reason, at inappropriate times? I fell over all the time?

I forgot things that were important, and remembered things that weren’t? I said inappropriate things to your parents?

I didn’t like your friends? I purred like a cat every time you touched me? I smashed things when we argued?

I made up stories about things all the time? I was terrible at paying bills on time?

I made you make all the important phone calls, ever, because they made me nervous? I fed you so much you felt sick, all the time?

I called you fat? I ran away to my parents house every time I was upset with you?

I was clingy and needy and stubborn and complained about everything you did? I redid everything after you because it wasn’t good enough, ever?

I beat you up when you did things I didn’t like? I was always competing with you? I listened to the t.v/ music/ computer too loud?

I regularly pretended to be someone else? I stole your best shirts/jumpers to wear out? I always washed your clothes on the wrong cycle?

I ironed things in funny ways? I pretended not to know you on the street?

I moved things around the house and didn’t tell you where they were? I giggled like a five year old at immature things?

I was just plain weird?

Because, well, really, these are all things I do/would do. If you can handle all of that, then I’ve got a feeling you might just be perfect for me.

now, i just need to find you.

dance, dance, dance...

Saturday [The Beginning, not The End...]

2010-07-14T13:56:00.000+10:00

i like listening to old songs

eyes closed

memory flood

years go by

and i find myself here.

spring is starting to fight itself out of the ground.

the air is warm again.

twirly skirts and windy days.

the other night involved an adventure.

a visit to a place i haven't been in a while.

memories made

and i think i'm going to go back there more often now.

winter night wading.

tripping and slipping

laughing and skipping.

sad conversations.

happy conversations.

words that went round in circles but never found their way to what i wanted to say.

but that's okay.

heart racing hugs.

muffled whispers.

eyes closed.

i don't know when i'll see you again.

let's just stay.

i'm sorry if i can't give you the things you want.

if sometimes i'm confusing or misleading.

i'm sorry if i hurt you.

just know it hurts me more.

i will miss you when you are across the sea.

i still get a sad feeling inside, to see the red tail lights wave goodbye

we'll grow old together...

Friday [The Thoughts...]

2010-07-03T02:04:00.000+10:00

i have decided that I am no longer going to say yes when i mean no.

i think that that is a good thing.

i have also decided that i am going to say yes more often though.

but not,

i repeat,

not,

when i mean no.

know that i love you, even now, even still, even though we fell apart...

Thursday [The Quiet Question...]

2010-06-29T23:58:00.000+10:00

sigh.

sometimes i wonder if i'm using up all my options.

if, somehow, for all the times i've said "no"

the universe gives me one less chance to meet the one i'd say "yes" to.

is that fair though?

i swear its not intentional.

and i don't mean to be fussy.

but i just don't want to settle for anything... not.

that's okay, right?

you be my arthur miller and i will be marilyn monroe..

Wednesday [The Key...]

2010-06-17T12:09:00.000+10:00

oh, hey.

i think i like you.

late night cold walks through the city and cat stevens on repeat.

happiness.

strangers to smile at

and thoughts of the future.

a future.

any future.

i would be happy to stay the way we are for ever,

just you, in my life, is enough.

hello happiness.

please stick around.

there are two things i will carry in my pocket at the end, oh my darling you are one of them...

Tuesday [The Truth...]

2010-06-09T13:58:00.000+10:00

this might just be the story of my life:

On Saturday, we went to a party with some of Vinny's school friends at a house across town. It was a grown up party, the kind where people stand around in a well lit living room in little clumps and talk. Vinny was good at that kind of stuff. I tried my best. People said, "New Mexico? Really? Wow." and i gave a kind of half smile. They asked, "How did you end up there?" and I shrugged. On the way home it was freezing and we walked really close to each other, because we liked to do that.

"Sometimes I just don't know how to connect with people," I told him. "I'm supposed to ask these questions about where they live and what they do, but I just don't care. The things that interest me about people- I'm not allowed to ask those questions when I've just met them. They want you to wait so long to say anything, and in the meantime it's all movie plots and stories with punchlines."

"That's how some people connect, though. You just don't do it like other people. You're always so fucking intense."

-Bucket Siler

www.bucketsiler.com

Sometimes I just don't know how to connect with people...

What matters most is not your job or your house or your things.

I want to know your story.

What hurts you, what moves you, what you love and what you can't live without.

there's deep enough wells for our tears..

Monday [The Perfect Winter Sunrise...]

2010-06-09T11:05:00.001+10:00

sometimes things just work.

like white tea and rose in giant cups.

like beer and pubs and pool games with strangers.

late night swing sets and bubble o' bills.

or silly hats and zombie dances.

early morning airport runs and perfect winter sunrises.

white clouds, pale blue sky for miles.

occasional tears interspersed with smiles.

sometimes sadness is necessary in order to remember the moments we are happy.

i have had my fair share of happiness this month.

it was entirely thanks to friends.

wonderful people to share life with.

to laugh with, to dance with, to cry with,

to breathe with, to sit in silence and marvel at majesty with..

i used to believe i didn't need people.

really, being alone has been my life for so long.

but more and more i realise the value of lives.

of influence.

of the way the beat of another's heart can affect your own.

of how much shared smiles and laughter and sadness and tears are so much more important,

so much more valuable than all things in this world.

i don't know what i'd do without you.

there is a house built out of stone, wooden floors, walls and window sills, tables and chairs worn by all of the dust.
this is a place where i don't feel alone
this is a place where i feel at home.

Saturday [The Singalong...]

2010-06-05T23:41:00.000+10:00

Inside a boy

I found a universe

And in his eyes

Are a thousand stars

On a dark sky

We are clouds

We are whispers

Like fawns and shape-shifters

Our edges can never be found out

No, our edges keep moving further out

We are stars colliding

Now we crash

Like lightning into love

Love

In his arms

I'm unwinding

Under his kiss

I'm falling into love

We are stars colliding

Now we crash

Like lightning into love

We are stars colliding

Now we crash

Like lightning into love

Love

Friday [The Winter Song...]

2010-06-03T22:35:00.000+10:00

it's been raining for days

great fat heavy drops that seep through your clothes and flood the gutters in minutes.

i want to curl up with a book and spend days in bed.

bowls of tea.

thoughts of you.

sometimes life just doesn't make sense.

people do things you never expected.

say things you didn't think they would.

turn out to not be who they seemed...

sometimes, that is a wonderful thing.

sometimes, it can break your heart.

but that's okay, you know.

sometime's its necessary...

i see your breath hanging there, like snow clouds...

Thursday [The Antipodean Kiss]

2010-05-13T00:06:00.000+10:00

a song played through my headphones today.

i thought of you and smiled.

sometimes the things you don't expect are the ones that come out best.

i still worry, its true.

parts of me still run and hide and ignore reason.

but sometimes, just the thought of your hand on my shoulder is enough.

there is something about the future i am shaping that seems huge and irreplaceable.

something lovely.

precious.

delicate.

perfect.

messy and covered in paint and full of creativity.

chaotic and delightful.

life, right now, could not be more.

although, there is a face i am looking for.

an almost stranger.

a brief encounter seven years ago.

and suddenly, just the other day, a passing by on the street.

too sleepy to notice until it was too late.

oh, i do wonder what has become of you.

not even occasionally.

definitely often.

maybe one day we will meet

and have coffee

and talk like old friends

and joke about awkwardness

and be happy.

i need you to know this won't be broken, and all that we said will not be lost into the dawn
and you would be the last thing i saw coming, i'm still surprised

Wednesday [The View..]

2010-04-28T18:30:00.001+10:00

i'm amused.

and somewhat bewildered.

you seem to have proven everything i refused to believe about you.

but hey,

thats okay.

you're human.

i can forgive you.

i just wonder if you can too..

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

i struggle to find any truth in your lies...

Tuesday [The Cranes..]

2010-04-13T22:02:00.001+10:00

Hammock - Breathturn from David Altobelli on Vimeo.

oh my heavens.

so much beauty.

Monday [The Life Givers..]

2010-04-13T13:15:00.001+10:00

Would you believe me if I told you this was a true story?

That someday, somewhere it really happened.

Tears were shed and hearts were broken and yet, in amongst it all there was a tiny sliver of joy.

Hope broke through and started to grow.

Roots were let out and the rain fell and watered the ground.

In the morning as the sun came out and warmed the soaking earth and there was life.

Tiny, tentative, fragile life.

But life nevertheless.

You don't believe me?

Would you believe me if I told you that this is the story of how you came to be?

That you grew from hope, a tiny sliver of joy, and love strong enough to move mountains,

to change worlds,

strong enough even, to create life.

Sometimes that love fades. Often you wonder how it came to be in the first place.

There are always arguments.

Smashing of glasses at early hours of the mornings, tears shed, voices raised,

glances born of a hatred you'd never thought you'd live to experience.

But this too will pass.

Time, they say, heals all wounds.

Or does it?

Do you remember the first time your parents argued?

The first night you realised that Daddy wasn't coming home?

Do you remember the time he threw her down the stairs, or raised his hand to hit you,

your terrified face reflected in the blacks of his eyes?

Do you remember all that, or has it receded into your subconscious?

Do you always end up with the wrong guy?

The one who swears and smokes and is generally bad news all round.

The one who doesn't give you the time of day, or flirts with other girls when you're around.

Do you know why?

There are some things that stay with us for years.

No amount of forgetting or forgiving or running away from can change that.

Blood is thicker than water. It is true.

Our words, our thoughts, our actions, our hopes and dreams and our futures are all influenced by those who gave life to us.

Gave love to us.

Taught us that it is a fragile and beautiful precious thing.

Taught us that it is huge and violent and scary.

Taught us that love never dies, or that it is something you need to spend your life earning.

The thing you need to understand is that they, too, were once somebodies children.

That they too, were taught to love in the only way their parents knew.

That they, too had been neglected, abused, hurt or ignored.

That they, too, carry the fingerprints of others on their hearts.

The question is not, how are you going to get the love you should have.

It should be, what are you going to do with the love you've got?

inside of my skin, inside of my hope, i've waited for you, don't you know..

Sunday [The Sounds of the Countryside..]

2010-04-09T13:40:00.007+10:00

this morning:

amazing breakfast

vanilla chai tea

mary and max on dvd

lying outside in the autumn sunshine

clean bedroom

clean studio

photo's everywhere

inspiration lurks in every corner.

i love my life.

although i am confused.

why do you make me smile so?

i thought we went over this a year ago..

but you drift in and out of my life and i...

miss you when you're not around.

laugh and smile and grin too much when you are.

think about you more than i'd like to

and end up confused.

by you.

seriously?

must you be so cute?

everybody, everybody wants to love,

everybody, everybody wants to be loved..

Saturday [The Stories...]

2010-03-22T21:12:00.002+11:00

He had big ears that she loved to kiss. One day she woke up, and he was gone. A note by her pillow that said “being with you was like speaking in secrets, and I never was good at deciphering your whispers.”